It's the end of the other week, and I feel a very inbetween phase coming over me. Of course this could all be do to the fact that the seasons are changing and the weather along with it. And one major chapter of my life is slowing ending and moving towards adulthood. At times like these I wish there was something insightful if not almost prophetic that I could say; yet alas that never comes up.

There are two things that I don't enjoy, and I believe that they are innately human fears/dislikes. The first is the unknown, like darkness it holds so many possibilities and they always take the form of monsters and nightmares. When coupled with being forced to wait, this is one of the worst states of being that I know. Waiting for the Unknown. Ugh. Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe the feeling it creates in the pit of my stomach.

Secondly, it's being disappointed. But not just any disappointment, one that you don't see coming. This usually comes in one of two forms. Either when a sure thing fails or when something new appears only to be a letdown or disappears. Unfortunately this has a tendency to happen a great deal. I personally try and combat this problem by not getting my hopes up or excited about things, but like most attempts at counteracting human nature I fail typically. Mostly because I still get excited or get my hopes up only to have them dashed constantly. But also because I come of as a downer to most people.

Something I am excited about, to jump on a tangent, is some new music I am potentially going to record. Hopefully with the help of my good friend Clayton we can make something worth listening to and I can start actually being a musician. My high hopes are partially due to the amount of practicing I've been doing/have planned to do. I have been practicing at a much more regular pace than before and today went for four solid hours of good practice. I went at it for so long I had bruises on my thumbs and my muscles/face hurt immensely; it was definitely worth it. If I can keep that sort of habit it I might actually be a useful musician by the time the school year is up.

Digressing once more, I recently started to rediscover music I completely forgot about that I used to be totally in love with. It has been a very enjoyable to listen to them after being away so long with different ears than before. Like catching up with an old friend, see how they're still the same person even though life has taken them in a different direction than before. Brings back good memories. Makes me realize if I never find a soulmate I'll be okay because I have such strong feelings for music. Its hard to describe but considering the lack of depth of terms in the english language for love I have to try. I just can't stop thinking about it. I mean I actually couldn't get to sleep the other night because I kept thinking about a song I was writing. The range of emotions music elicits from me are so great and often so very enjoyable.

I'm going to end this week on that note and sleep up for the next.

The elderly

I'm convinced that there are so many things the elderly know that they don't tell us. Not because the are selfish, or have some cruel sense of humor(although I'm sure some of them do), but instead because we-the younger ones-would just not understand. It's the same reason I don't explain how photosynthesis works to a two year old. They wouldn't understand it and they'll come to learn about it in due time.

Bad weather

Its a strange feeling, but I wish it were snowing. If it were snowing I would have a good reason to wrap and bundle myself up. I know the the root of that feeling is a child like impulse to be surrounded and I am also aware that it is because I fear the unknown future looming so imminently in front of me. Sadly, I still wish it was snowing.

On a more realistic topic: Making progress can be such a difficult project, particularly when the end result is not promised. For me, playing the saxophone has been an interesting endeavor. From the time I was a small child I wanted to play, and finally in the 4th grade I was given the opportunity. I played, but didn't really practice, a habit which followed into middle school and the beginning of high school. At some point I realized this had to change and began to study under a teacher and tried to practice consistently. In college the same basic principle applied. I try to fit practicing in among the rest of my life. But it is supposed to be my instrument, the one thing in life I should do well. Unfortunately I don't feel that way about my skills for it. It creates such frustrations.

Directions

I don't write here very often, although I wish I had a good reason for that fact. I'm probably in the best position to be documenting or at least commenting on the goings-on in my life. Unfortunately that often takes a backseat to less important distractions; as so easily can happen with anything in life. Fortunately for me, occasionally something comes along to shake loose the cobwebs for a little while and things become clear and the road ahead looks promising if not hopeful.

Sadly this isn't one of this times. I'm in a very undefined point of my life and cant seem to find direction. Approaching is a critical junction that will decide the next big period of my life. Not to mention developments and growths(assuming they aren't regressions) as a person. A short 8 months or so from now I need to be well on my way to some future in the real world.

This isn't a complaint though, because one thing I do feel is very inspired. Bleak as things may seem I feel hopeful if not optimistic. Prepared for success if not achieving. Etc etc. And the important thing is self-awareness. To keep in mind that it is the point in life not for idleness despite not having a direction. Instead I need to just keep moving forward; any direction is better than standing still. This doesn't mean all fears and worries are cast aside. Hardly so, what it does mean is the are not impassable obstacles.

I may be wrong and fail miserably only to end up living under a bridge, but with great risk come great rewards. Only time will tell.

Winter 2010

And so another quarter has come to a close, effectively ending (at least in California) the winter season. Next on the agenda is spring and soon to follow summer. 2010 has the potential to be a busy and exciting year with a lot planned. It is really hard to say how things will turn out, but the important thing is to not get my hopes up. But I also have to remember that will all the good must come bad, and hardships will be in plenty.

I'd like to be able to sit back and say insightful comments about how life has gone so far, the people that are important, and the future. Of course I don't though. I'm confused, tired, a little hungry at the moment, and just a tad burnt out on just about everything. My main focus has, and will probably continue to be holding myself together. Just trying to not fall apart is taxing to say the least. I may just be going easy on myself. Curse being a lazy good for nothing, by the time I overcome that I'll be an old man; what a waste.

Base emotions

I hate how obvious my base emotions are, people never know why, but they can always tell when I'm happy/sad/angry/etc. I do not enjoy being so readable on such a basic level. And no one really cares about the reasons behind the emotions. I'm sure most of the time they are proud of themselves for being able to 'read' me. Fuck. Obviously I am also having a horrible day.

Wake up at 7, drive to work, having screaming squeaky-clarinet playing children give me a headache, push through some work to discover I don't have what I need to finish an important project, watch a stupid horror film for a class, drive to practice, practice, drive home only to have my way blocked by a tow truck for ten minutes and then discover someone is parked in my spot and have to call said tow truck only to have him tow another car and still not have returned. Not to mention the amount of work I still have undone, and the presentation tomorrow; not. The person whoadofhadfkhajsdl;khadsg;lkh

Im done I cant do it.

Frogs

I haven't been here in a while. There are a lot of places I haven't been in a long time. Makes me miss them when I remember how fondly I used to frequent them. And the worst part is how easily they can be forgotten by distance and time. The two great equalizers. But enough metaphysical babbling. On to the topic of this post.

Frogs. We have a giant field behind our house, which normally isn't problem and actually produces nice bird calls when the day is nice. But, due to the immense sudden rains we have been having sporadically for the last month or so, a pond has formed in the middle. And in the pond frogs have appeared. Not just one or two mind you, it sounds like there are hundreds of them. Hundreds of frogs make lots of noise. All the time. It slowly drives me crazy throughout the day and into the night. They are louder than drunk people, and they go through closed windows and doors without a problem. I don't know how much longer I can hold out before i go crazy from all the noise. I have to try and not dwell on it too much.

Almost caught up to the end on Nodame, if anyone was interested. It's made me realize how much I love the French composers piano works. Something about Satie, Debussy, and Chopin that I just cant resist. So much sustain pedal and long drawn out harmonies that just float lushly around, and then occasionally come crashing down. Just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Those are really the only two things I had to right about the the rest is going to be rant.

Drinking beer right now preparing to play a party 45min set for some girls birthday at nine. Supposed to try out a new bass player tomorrow for the band in ventura and then because the lady has work sunday we are having our V-day things tomorrow. She has something planned but I have only been told a few things, which include:its something like a competition, nontraditional, I'm supposed to wear sturdy underwear, and I may think its foolish. I'm a little worried and I hope it doesn't have anything to do with beach. Then Sunday I am recording some reggaeton artist at the studio I have an internship at and maybe getting some much needed laundry done.

I need to buy heavier weights to work out effectively, as it stands I only have two ten pound dumbbells, but I should really be using like 25 or 30 pound ones. Gonna have to spend more money on that. I also have to get ride of my car and start using the band tour van until I get a new car sometime in the summer. Thats going to be interesting, for anyone who has seen pictures of the van its more than intriguing. At least it has nice carpeting and will be good for naps. And it can fit a whole lot of people. Trying to look on the bright side of things.

Well that is just about it, considering I have to get going and play that show. Hopefully people appear and we aren't playing to an empty room. I've done it before, its very sad.