Party time

So a theory has been developed that has been slightly disheartening to me. It seems that I ruin parties and get-togethers. Not in the sense that I show up and everyone else leaves, or that my presence leads to a bad time. More in the line of no one can remember an awesome party (one of those talk about forever or nights not to be missed) where I was present. I always miss them. I'm out of town or busy doing something else. I just assumed that was my bad luck, but it could possibly be true that I'm the one bringing down the fun. Something about me that turns what could potentially be an amazing night into something mundane.

This isn't to say I'm not fun, or don't know how to have a good time. Yet for some reason, I miss all the real fun. It makes me question most aspects of my personality and actions. There is some portion of it that doesn't mix well in large groups of people to the detriment of everyone involved. I want to have fun, and be fun. Leaves me with the feeling of being left out in the cold.

It also makes me want to leave, as to allow everyone else to have a good time. I may just be acting dramatic.

Japan 3

Sure everyone is finding this mini-series I've got going just riveting.

Today started off just as yesterday, early, with me awaking the same time as wifey. But unlike yesterday, so after she left for work nick awoke to a phone call followed by him prompting me to get dressed for an outing to the bank and the base. After a hot stint on the base reading my book and drinking a coke we made our way to the post office to deliver I-ching's package. Which was surprisingly simple, and cheap, to do. Then we ate curry after some walking around a shopping mall. We returned to the house to laze around and etc. After nick left and a nap/shower I headed out for the night. He had mentioned a place called 'jelly' that had a good ratio of women to men so I set out to find that at the fussa station. After aimless walking and a stop and an interestingly large video store(adult of course) i stumbled upon the place, but it was closed, or at least the elevator would not take me to it. More walking later I ended up at a small bar filled with a group of friends. Although some attractive women were in the group nothing came my way. And after no help from the bartender who spoke little english I went about my way. Now I had previously (the night before) stumbled upon a few lounges, and subsequently discovered they are not the same as lounges back home. Earlier today nick had explained to me they were places where girls pretended to be your lady for a while; very strange. So in my walking i stumbled upon another, and slightly inebriated and curious me decided to go in. Proceed to a very awkward hour of talking with the only two girls that spoke english (poorly), an ugly chinese girl and an older filipino woman. The attractive Japanese girl that was interested in my hair spoke no english and the good looking madam was busy of course. After some time I decided to leave and the gave me a present to give to a girl, and the 'mama-san' actually chased me down outside to say thank you. I presume this is because 1. I was more well behaved than I'm sure most customers are 2. I left before the time I payed for was up (paid for time but a learning experience none the less) and 3. well I'm not sure if there are more reasons. I decided to then cut my loses and headed home.

I feel it necessary to append yesterday for a few reasons. First being that even though I retired for the evening around 11, I was awakened around 1 by my cousin to go for a walk to 7/11 for a bit, we talked about my night and etc. Secondly being that this morning, very early, at 7 even though I assumed it was later(damned alcohol waking me up early), I had a revelation as to why hanging out and spending time with my family is so fulfilling. They understand me. I mean obviously they have an unfair advantage in comparison to others, but even still, my family just gets the complexity of being me. Not to say that I am more complex than others, but that they get that just because I'm forgetful doesn't mean I'm stupid, or because I like big words and to travel means I'm stuck up. We often act certain ways around certain people, but I truly feel like I can be myself and let my moods slide as they please around my family. Foolish one moment and thoughtful the next, from belligerent to pensive in seconds without a care as to why. Also, due to my laziness, minor details have been left out of the above story, so readers should inquire within if they are interested.

Day two of Japan

Hopefully the first day was exciting enough, it only gets better from here; that is if the jokes are funny to anyone other than myself.

It is the end of day two for me in japan, and a very eventful one at that. The day started slow, with my cousin arriving home at 3 in the morning to rouse me from my slumber. I effectively went back to sleep only to awake at 7. After some lounging about I had breakfast, deciding from now on to take my meals on the veranda; I also decided to start calling the thin balcony a veranda. After frootloops and much reading my cousin awoke and we played catch up. Eventually he left for work, and I napped awaiting the arrival of his wife, she needed to be home for me to leave. After her arrival around 5 I left the house and headed for the train station, stopping at 7/11 for some snacks and supplies. I took the train to fussa, got off, walked around aimlessly and found nothing to my particular interest; mostly I'm sure because I could not read any of the signs. I then board the train once more headed for tachikawa. Once there I did a bit of wlaking around before stumbling into a small jazzing bar. At first it was difficult to order drinks but once I discovered one of the bartenders spoke some English the brandy came easy. After a few drinks and the arrival of some more patrons things began to liven up. The bartender had been to Seattle for a year so the two of us could talk some. The topic eventually settled on two things, her cute single roommate who was interested in American men, and jazz, which included the gentlemen next to us, with the bartender translating(poorly of course). We had some fun, and the night ended with us making plans to go to a jazz club in fussa on Friday. I may also be meeting with the bartender, her roommate, and her roommates friend(who speaks English) tomorrow at some point, pending a call from the bartender.

Japan 1

I've decided to make a mini-series out of the loose journal that I kept during my summer stay in Japan. Not really sure what possesses me do to so here because no one will see it, but I am. So here is day one.

Day one in Japan is basically complete, it is 3:24am American time and some time around 7 or 8 here in japan. It has been a long tiring day and a test of my traveling capabilities. In my attempt(successful) at beating jet-lag I stayed up until 5am Saturday night in preparation for my flight. I awoke at 8 the next more, put gas in the car and roused Blair out of bed to head to SFO. Check in was simple as was security. After finding my flight was delayed I bought a pasta salad and orange juice(which i spilled on myself) and began to read and wait. There was a slight scare when I lost my boarding pass, luckily they reprinted me a new one without much fuss. Boarding commenced some time after 11am and I took two sleeping pills and prepared for a drowsy flight. After about an hour of drowsy semisleep and the classical chamber music channel I decided another pill was in order, which did the trick because the next time I awoke we only had four hours left. After a meal and another short nap it was no time before we were preparing for landing. The plane and sf had been cold but the second I stepped of the airplane the heat and humidity slapped me in the face. Baggage claim and customs were simple, but then the true test began. After changing my oj stained shirt, I found a travel information booth and asked how I could get to where I needed to be. Unfortunately I could not be so specific about that seeing as how I had lost my all important paper of information that had been given to me on my last visit to japan. But after some fumbling and map pointing I was able to get directions and get on my way. Refilling money on my pasmo card came naturally and not before long I was on a train in the right direction. I saw a cute girl on one train and we had some light, i stress light, flirting; considering we were on opposite sides of the train and speaking wasn't possible. The next two hours of my journey involved changing trains and the oppressive heat co-mingling with heavy luggage and people staring. After some time I eventually arrived at Kabe station, got out and set to walking. I would like to be proud and congratulate my memory at the moment, although I will have to quickly damn it afterward. I was able to walk from the train station all the way to my cousins apartment complex, weaving through neighborhoods and parks and down a few staircases. But, along the way I saw the most beautiful site of the sun setting and the mountains mingling with the fog as a backdrop to the cityscape. I say but because no one else will get to see it as I did, considering I forgot to bring a camera on this voyage of mine. Nonetheless I eventually arrived at my cousins apartment complex/building, and lucky me just as his wife returned home from getting groceries. And so here I am, alive, where I'm supposed to be, slightly hungry but better off than it could have been. Day one done.

Intimacy

I feel a lot of pent up tension building. Not just in myself but in the environment around me, the people and things that I am interacting with. Although that may just be a reflection of myself on my surroundings. Which I realize most observation are.

Webs

There is a reasonably sized spider living in my car. I found him in one of his many webfilled nest today but failed to kill him when I had the chance and now I cannot find it anymore. I'm sure the rain drove the spider to dwell in my car but I cannot allow such atrocities to persist. If it continues I will be the one to blame for a colony of spiders invading my vehicle.

Like the elusive spider that now haunts me every time I get in the car, life feels very uncertain. I am moving forward on endeavors but I definitely don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Only dimly lit sign post and phantoms of what could be. I am slowly learning that the best thing is to just keep working and trying because I never want the reason I failed to be because I wasn't prepared for my opportunity. Pray to the powers that be I haven't already missed it.

If I don't get to where I want to be in life I hope I can live with myself about it.

There is a useful tidbit that I have come across recently. One problem I often have is getting into moods, anxiety, apprehension, depression, etc. The come and go on a whim most of the time and make it impossible to be productive and often put to a halt whatever I'm doing; particularly if it is something creative. Typical I would try and fight through these most, failing in most instances or just making things worst. Recently, instead I have tried to just let them happen. Just let the feelings go and give into it, which sometimes means running around the house when I feel anxious or lying down for a bit when I feel burnt out. And to my surprise, although it shouldn't be, it has been working. The moods pass much quicker. It's funny because I made a decision some time ago to be more like water and for some reason it is taking a very long time to get there. I am though, in my own time.

Lessons

And so ends another week. It was particularly unbalanced, with only three days of actual school followed by four (busy but) weekend days. I did learn two lessons throughout the week; well less learned and more reinforced and reiterated. Overall the week was a positive. Even if there is still a lot of work to be done, and a far amount left in the unknown.

The first lesson that I was retaught was that busy doesn't mean bad. Truth be told it usually means good, that you are doing things right. There is a saying that goes 'you can trust a busy man to get something done'. This is very true. At the risk of burning myself out (which I am prone to do very easily), I am going to try and keep busy; moving forward as best I can without losing momentum.

The second lesson that was once again pushed in my face was actions speak louder than words, and can get you much farther in life. I've spent so much time thinking about things that it is high time 'doing' came to the for front of my mind. It is also important to note that living in the moment puts me in a much better mood. It makes me a happier person. Although it still takes a lot of mental energy to remind myself to do this. I do believe that if I can keep it up it will help my overall mood about life and etc.

Also, much thanks to LB for the hang-out time. It was an excellent pick me up; just what I needed. Not sure how I'll repay her but I've got time to think of something. As long as the Christmas carol incident isn't mentioned to anyone, ever.

It's the end of the other week, and I feel a very inbetween phase coming over me. Of course this could all be do to the fact that the seasons are changing and the weather along with it. And one major chapter of my life is slowing ending and moving towards adulthood. At times like these I wish there was something insightful if not almost prophetic that I could say; yet alas that never comes up.

There are two things that I don't enjoy, and I believe that they are innately human fears/dislikes. The first is the unknown, like darkness it holds so many possibilities and they always take the form of monsters and nightmares. When coupled with being forced to wait, this is one of the worst states of being that I know. Waiting for the Unknown. Ugh. Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe the feeling it creates in the pit of my stomach.

Secondly, it's being disappointed. But not just any disappointment, one that you don't see coming. This usually comes in one of two forms. Either when a sure thing fails or when something new appears only to be a letdown or disappears. Unfortunately this has a tendency to happen a great deal. I personally try and combat this problem by not getting my hopes up or excited about things, but like most attempts at counteracting human nature I fail typically. Mostly because I still get excited or get my hopes up only to have them dashed constantly. But also because I come of as a downer to most people.

Something I am excited about, to jump on a tangent, is some new music I am potentially going to record. Hopefully with the help of my good friend Clayton we can make something worth listening to and I can start actually being a musician. My high hopes are partially due to the amount of practicing I've been doing/have planned to do. I have been practicing at a much more regular pace than before and today went for four solid hours of good practice. I went at it for so long I had bruises on my thumbs and my muscles/face hurt immensely; it was definitely worth it. If I can keep that sort of habit it I might actually be a useful musician by the time the school year is up.

Digressing once more, I recently started to rediscover music I completely forgot about that I used to be totally in love with. It has been a very enjoyable to listen to them after being away so long with different ears than before. Like catching up with an old friend, see how they're still the same person even though life has taken them in a different direction than before. Brings back good memories. Makes me realize if I never find a soulmate I'll be okay because I have such strong feelings for music. Its hard to describe but considering the lack of depth of terms in the english language for love I have to try. I just can't stop thinking about it. I mean I actually couldn't get to sleep the other night because I kept thinking about a song I was writing. The range of emotions music elicits from me are so great and often so very enjoyable.

I'm going to end this week on that note and sleep up for the next.

The elderly

I'm convinced that there are so many things the elderly know that they don't tell us. Not because the are selfish, or have some cruel sense of humor(although I'm sure some of them do), but instead because we-the younger ones-would just not understand. It's the same reason I don't explain how photosynthesis works to a two year old. They wouldn't understand it and they'll come to learn about it in due time.

Bad weather

Its a strange feeling, but I wish it were snowing. If it were snowing I would have a good reason to wrap and bundle myself up. I know the the root of that feeling is a child like impulse to be surrounded and I am also aware that it is because I fear the unknown future looming so imminently in front of me. Sadly, I still wish it was snowing.

On a more realistic topic: Making progress can be such a difficult project, particularly when the end result is not promised. For me, playing the saxophone has been an interesting endeavor. From the time I was a small child I wanted to play, and finally in the 4th grade I was given the opportunity. I played, but didn't really practice, a habit which followed into middle school and the beginning of high school. At some point I realized this had to change and began to study under a teacher and tried to practice consistently. In college the same basic principle applied. I try to fit practicing in among the rest of my life. But it is supposed to be my instrument, the one thing in life I should do well. Unfortunately I don't feel that way about my skills for it. It creates such frustrations.

Directions

I don't write here very often, although I wish I had a good reason for that fact. I'm probably in the best position to be documenting or at least commenting on the goings-on in my life. Unfortunately that often takes a backseat to less important distractions; as so easily can happen with anything in life. Fortunately for me, occasionally something comes along to shake loose the cobwebs for a little while and things become clear and the road ahead looks promising if not hopeful.

Sadly this isn't one of this times. I'm in a very undefined point of my life and cant seem to find direction. Approaching is a critical junction that will decide the next big period of my life. Not to mention developments and growths(assuming they aren't regressions) as a person. A short 8 months or so from now I need to be well on my way to some future in the real world.

This isn't a complaint though, because one thing I do feel is very inspired. Bleak as things may seem I feel hopeful if not optimistic. Prepared for success if not achieving. Etc etc. And the important thing is self-awareness. To keep in mind that it is the point in life not for idleness despite not having a direction. Instead I need to just keep moving forward; any direction is better than standing still. This doesn't mean all fears and worries are cast aside. Hardly so, what it does mean is the are not impassable obstacles.

I may be wrong and fail miserably only to end up living under a bridge, but with great risk come great rewards. Only time will tell.

Winter 2010

And so another quarter has come to a close, effectively ending (at least in California) the winter season. Next on the agenda is spring and soon to follow summer. 2010 has the potential to be a busy and exciting year with a lot planned. It is really hard to say how things will turn out, but the important thing is to not get my hopes up. But I also have to remember that will all the good must come bad, and hardships will be in plenty.

I'd like to be able to sit back and say insightful comments about how life has gone so far, the people that are important, and the future. Of course I don't though. I'm confused, tired, a little hungry at the moment, and just a tad burnt out on just about everything. My main focus has, and will probably continue to be holding myself together. Just trying to not fall apart is taxing to say the least. I may just be going easy on myself. Curse being a lazy good for nothing, by the time I overcome that I'll be an old man; what a waste.

Base emotions

I hate how obvious my base emotions are, people never know why, but they can always tell when I'm happy/sad/angry/etc. I do not enjoy being so readable on such a basic level. And no one really cares about the reasons behind the emotions. I'm sure most of the time they are proud of themselves for being able to 'read' me. Fuck. Obviously I am also having a horrible day.

Wake up at 7, drive to work, having screaming squeaky-clarinet playing children give me a headache, push through some work to discover I don't have what I need to finish an important project, watch a stupid horror film for a class, drive to practice, practice, drive home only to have my way blocked by a tow truck for ten minutes and then discover someone is parked in my spot and have to call said tow truck only to have him tow another car and still not have returned. Not to mention the amount of work I still have undone, and the presentation tomorrow; not. The person whoadofhadfkhajsdl;khadsg;lkh

Im done I cant do it.

Frogs

I haven't been here in a while. There are a lot of places I haven't been in a long time. Makes me miss them when I remember how fondly I used to frequent them. And the worst part is how easily they can be forgotten by distance and time. The two great equalizers. But enough metaphysical babbling. On to the topic of this post.

Frogs. We have a giant field behind our house, which normally isn't problem and actually produces nice bird calls when the day is nice. But, due to the immense sudden rains we have been having sporadically for the last month or so, a pond has formed in the middle. And in the pond frogs have appeared. Not just one or two mind you, it sounds like there are hundreds of them. Hundreds of frogs make lots of noise. All the time. It slowly drives me crazy throughout the day and into the night. They are louder than drunk people, and they go through closed windows and doors without a problem. I don't know how much longer I can hold out before i go crazy from all the noise. I have to try and not dwell on it too much.

Almost caught up to the end on Nodame, if anyone was interested. It's made me realize how much I love the French composers piano works. Something about Satie, Debussy, and Chopin that I just cant resist. So much sustain pedal and long drawn out harmonies that just float lushly around, and then occasionally come crashing down. Just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Those are really the only two things I had to right about the the rest is going to be rant.

Drinking beer right now preparing to play a party 45min set for some girls birthday at nine. Supposed to try out a new bass player tomorrow for the band in ventura and then because the lady has work sunday we are having our V-day things tomorrow. She has something planned but I have only been told a few things, which include:its something like a competition, nontraditional, I'm supposed to wear sturdy underwear, and I may think its foolish. I'm a little worried and I hope it doesn't have anything to do with beach. Then Sunday I am recording some reggaeton artist at the studio I have an internship at and maybe getting some much needed laundry done.

I need to buy heavier weights to work out effectively, as it stands I only have two ten pound dumbbells, but I should really be using like 25 or 30 pound ones. Gonna have to spend more money on that. I also have to get ride of my car and start using the band tour van until I get a new car sometime in the summer. Thats going to be interesting, for anyone who has seen pictures of the van its more than intriguing. At least it has nice carpeting and will be good for naps. And it can fit a whole lot of people. Trying to look on the bright side of things.

Well that is just about it, considering I have to get going and play that show. Hopefully people appear and we aren't playing to an empty room. I've done it before, its very sad.

Fame

I want to be famous. I want people who don't know me to care about what I say and do. I want what I want to matter for no particular reason to a group of people that have only actually physically seen me once or twice from afar. I really want to feel greedy and horrible about wanting these things but I don't. I genuinely want these things. Don't get me wrong, I'm no attention whore that is going to die if I can't get my fix of someone saying my names a hundred times a day; that would be annoying by the way. But I don't turn down compliments. Its like sunshine, I just soak it up and it makes me feel good, refreshed. I've always felt this way but it was cement about a month ago in a grocery store.
I try to dress nice and be attractive, but when you're out and about its hard to know who is checking you out or just looking at you. I think its particularly harder as a male considering there aren't necessarily overt features people stare at when they are interested. And this is further complicated by that fact that I look at everyone (mostly because people are interesting to see walking around and being themselves sometimes) so I assume other people look at people as well. So I never know if I'm get a visual compliment or just some curiously (or out of boredom) looking my way.
But while in the store buying beer and other things for a get together with friends, as I was walking with my good friend Lupe, we walked past a group of girls in the check out. I myself was consumed with what beer to get and the sales on candy and etc. But Lupe noticed the girls checking me out as we walked by, and proceeded to tell me she gave them a nasty look to let them know I was taken considering the Lady wasn't there (which I'm fine with because I am). I thanked her for protecting the sanctity of my relationship and for telling me. It immediately put me in a good mood though. Having a third party, someone not me who isn't looking to see who cares about me tell me that someone was caring made it true. And its nice. Its a good feeling knowing that someone, just at a glace, approves of you, and considering the circumstance, would take you to bed; I'm assuming the latter.
Its the same feeling I get playing music for people that like it, when they come up afterward and tell me how much they enjoyed it, or someone tells me how much they have been listening to my cd. And it makes me want more [insert evil laugh or seductive sigh to suit].
I just wanted to say all of that and get it off my chest, and its ironic I do it here considering its the most secluded place. Le sigh